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Saturday, September 16, 2006

Another Escape

I am in a crazy mood to scribble today. I have been thinking of writing a story or may be a poem, but can never make up time for it. Today, I have enough time to spend, so let me try to capture my state of mind since a few weeks.

Wow! What a relief it is to come out of that troubled re-occurence of events. How nice it is to feel good about having learnt a lesson from life’s experiences. So, to put together in a sentence, I was not in a perfect mood from past few weeks. Lot of questions arising, lots of troubled thoughts; lots of confused moments encountered. Even though I had all the quietness in the world (benefit of staying alone) I could not get a decent uneventful sleep, how does it matter when there is no quietness inside?

When some thing makes us dull, that is when events from the past reappear like ghosts and mix up with the present to make it worse. So I had to put it away, had to trust a pair of ears to let go, and found one too. I tried to dispose of some thoughts by talking. (How much ever was possible) So that’s how I got rid of the past. But what about the present? It’s right in front of me, facing me, looking at me every day. I have to deal with it positively and need to hold myself strong, so that I do not create mistakes done in the past.

Analysis of previous experience have always helped me a lot, they tell you how to treat re-occurring situations, or rather, how not to. Well after spending some time with myself, I feel so good to finally have fought my trauma. And now it feels like heaven. I am back to normal, of course not that anyone outside could even get a faintest glimpse of the confusion in my mind.

What I learnt, is that knowingly or unknowingly, I always tried to attach myself with the past. I tried to relate things happening currently with the events that had happened. And in that process, I failed to recognize “the new” in present; its beautiful side; the vibrant new colors; an innocence untouched; a caring smile and all I was doing was, finding my past in the present which for some reason I wasn’t letting go of. Today having learnt this, it feels so free and much better to say that I have escaped the Miasma again. All we need to do is learn from the past experiences, shape our present in an ideal way and not stick to it; not keep them stored behind the layer of consciousness. The solution is not in avoiding the present, solution is not in avoiding something nice and beautiful because of some bad past experiences despite knowing that this present will once turn into a past.

At this point I recall the dialogue from the movie "The Hours". (which i had also mentioned here)

“You can’t find peace by avoiding life, Leonard.”

Virginia Woolf says to her husband Leonard to describe her need to move to London.

And of course the ending note from VW again on life -

"To look life in the face, always to look life in the face and to know it for what it is and at last to know it, to love it for what it is and then… to put it away.”

I am sorry; I know I am not crystal clear. But this is the best I can reveal at this point.

7 comments:

  1. Hmmm.. Being secretive nd interestin at the same time.. Gud....

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  2. May you find lots of peace in your travels and otherwise too.

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  3. "How does it matter when there is no quietness inside "... ...I can relate to that ...

    we can escape from everyone ..but not from ourseleves ...our past experiences , and memories will stay with us forever , we like it or not .... so the best is to take each experience as a lesson .

    I read somewhere,there are no mistakes in life... all experiences are lessons .. to make the best of them ... We have to learn , but can not forget the lessons...( good or bad )..

    you cant find peace by avoiding life ...very true ..more you avoid , more you are likely to move away from peace ...

    Im glad that you escaped the miasma ..:)

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  4. I tried to relate things happening, with the events that had happened. It was all my perception. And in that process, I failed to recognize “the new” in present..

    So very beautifully put!

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  5. Letting go is perhaps the toughest thing in this whole world. All of us experience it at at some point in time or the other.

    I am going through similar kind of uneasiness and trauma that you seem to be facing. Life has its own inexplicable ways of testing us.

    Hang in there!

    Also,
    The Hours is a lovely movie. I can relate to that feeling -'that something is wrong - though it may not seem so prima-facie' totally. I caught 'the hours' again on Zee Studio a acouple of days back.

    -Aparna

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  6. I wont say I understood the lines, but I liked them!
    But I must say a nice post! :)

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  7. @Bharat - Thanks.

    @Mridula - Thanks a lot, Yes Traveling is something that allows me to live in the moments, and enjoy it in every possible way to the fullest.

    @Reborn - Thanku. I agree that every experience is a lesson.

    @Perspective Inc - Thanks

    @Aparna - Welcome to the blog. Yes letting go is a difficult thing. How i wish these were just to be fought for one time and then its over. But its not that way, you need to fight it, until their occurance is minimised to a great extent. But fight we must till the end.

    Yes, Hours is a wonderful film. It gave me a new perspective to life. I own the dvd, so keep watching it many times. Every time i watch the movie, it leaves me with a good feeling to enjoy life to the fullest. As one wants to.

    @ SG- Thanks :-)

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